maanantai 23. marraskuuta 2015

Once upon a time, on a distant land, on a distant galaxy...

dibbiluU Uubinskoffind was an ordinary, 12 year old (by our standards of time) lad.

They always are, aren`t they?

A magenta skinned humanoid with three legs, two arms, who was a farmer like rest of his family...his father had died a long time ago, when he had been a soldier in the army of Gruonkild. A corageous soldier, he was said to have had been.

They always are, aren`t they.

But, what dibbiluU did not know, was that his father had been something more. He also didn`t know that he was going to find out who his father had been, in a few minutes.

The weather was nice. Very nice. The 40 moons could be seen excellently in the green colored evening sky. The red sun was ever so slowly descending to northeast ( Though, the race of gU never used that word. They always said something ambigous like "over there", "that way" or "past the hill like a cgR jump".). Air smelled like maneuver, hay (which smells like silicon in this world), and very rich with oxygen. About fife times richer than on Earth.    

A strange looking old (she had four legs), hunchbacked woman walked towards their house, the soap bubble mountains (Soap bubbles being metaphorical. Actually, the mountains consisted of iron-clay.) looking gigantrous (700 miles) in the distance. dip had stood next to his mother who silently said (in an alien language that is translated to english of Earth):

"Oh dear."

"What is it mumma?"

"Go inside, now. Take your siblings with you."

"Why, supper ready?"




dib skittled to the house, and took his 67 siblings to his arms. This was easy, given that all of them were still eggs the size of rice grains.

His mother shouted to the woman.

"Get away from here, ye filthy ancient croak! your company is not required here!!"

"Why must all the fantasy characters speak that way?" The old woman mumbled, while slowly
walking towards the woman."Long time no see huliO! You know why I`m here, do you not?"

"Turn back, go back to your land! This instant! Or by my god, you shall face the cold grasp of death very soon!"
"Death has a very warm grasp, actually." Said the old one, while still limping onwards.

"Stop thy limping and thy nonsense that you speak." Said the mother of dib, whose name was huliO.

The ancient, mysterious woman did not stop.

huliO very quickly drew her magical weapon that resembles a crossbow of Earthly design. She aimed at the old woman. Without mercy or hesitation, she shot. 

For a 0, 80 second the energy bolt wissed trough the air that surrounded it, nearing the old woman.
It exploded, and was gone. But no damage had been done to the older woman.

"Like I wouldn`t have a magic shield, you silly broad!" Yelled the woman who could be called...well, let`s call her Junio.

The three legged, slightly plumb (180 lbs, 5, 47 feet long) woman whose name had been huliO for the last 190 years (by Earths standards), goed to one of the hay stacks, and pulled a string. 


A canonball of this worlds equilant to pure hell fire was shot to direction of old Junio, and it too, exploded.

It cracked Junios shield a bit, and also managed to sting her. She was starting to get pissed.

"Uuhtriolottinus!" She spelled.

huliO was captivated inside an unbrekable hexagon prison, that let air and light inside.

 "B for effort." Said Junio.

"Go drikle yourself." Said huliO.

"Be very thankful that I have a moral conscience that keeps me from burning you alive." Said Junio, while still limpin to the house.

"Do NOT go inside you-"

Suddenly, her words couldn`t be heard anymore.

dib was scared (His siblings didn`t know how to feel, yet.). He had had to use the bathroom (hole in the ground, that had a crap eater at its bottom) that`s how scared he was. He wouldn`t be letting the dangerous woman in! No wa-

Then the dangerous woman was inside the land floor hut, thats walls and roof were made of worm eaten wood placks.


"Nah. If I would, I wouldn`t be able to tell you about your father."


"You see, your father was a courageous soldier, as you know. But he was also more. He happened to be the gretest soldier in the galaxy. Able to confront armies that had tens of thousands of warriors, by himself. able to hold closed doors closed for hours, no matter how much they were pounded. Able to survive the pain created by hunreds od torturers. Yet, he was always kind. Even to his enemies. Even the most horrible ones. It was said that he was given his strenght by gods. That`s true. But he had a weakness. If he would surrender willingly, he could be killed. On 56 separate times, he was given a choice: Surrender, or a city will be destroyed. 55 times, he could find a solution that would let him keep his life, and keep the city dwellers alive, too. In the 56. time...yeah, well. Anyways, since you were conceited 5 days before his death, you have his powers. They should surface in about...two weeks. Or sooner." Told Junio.

Our kid protagonist had been awestruck by the words he had been told. Not making a sound.

"That cannot be true."

Junio made a sound. It was this: "Sigh." 

Junio took a piece of crimson glass, plicked it, and it flashed.

"Very we...we-well then. It IS true." Stammered dib.

"Okay. Now, preparations must be made, farewells be said, and leavings be done. We`ll, leave as soon as possible, by the way." Said Junio, using words that sounded alien to dub.

"I don`t wanna."

"..." Said Junio.

"..." Said Junio, again.

"..." Once more.

"What the hell?" She said.

"I`m scared, and I don`t wanna leave my family, or my home town, or the boy I`m attracted to, or the useless alchemist school for really poor kids or...oror..."

"I understand your feelings...but there`s millions of lifes at know, I could control your mind, but then you wouldn`t be as naturally a skilled a fighter as you are. So...come on."

"What did you do to my mumma? I cannot hear her voice..."

"I rendered her speechless for the time being. She`s completely fine. A ok. Now, let`s conversate about..."

"Conversate*?" He asked. Askingly.

*Maybe this race doesn`t use the word, or his vocabulary wasn`t awfully big.

"Speak. Discuss. Talk about your future as a celebrated fighter for the good of gUkind and a few other races benefit." She said, hoping that she made it clear to him.

"Nothing to talk about. Ain`t going."

"Yeah, you are."

"Ye speak lies."

"No I does not." Said Junio.

"Yes, you do."

"NO, I, DON`T." Said, Junio, raising her voice."

"Don`t raise your voice in my presence!!!!!" He shouted, and hit the poor old woman, because he has anger management issues.

Junios shield cracked to 10089 pieces. Her torso to fife. Her soul remained intact, but it escaped from her body, and goed to the body of a newly born space monkey, 600000 light years away from the location of our story.

There was sand everywhere. Sand that use to be inside Junio.

dib stood there, trembling. His mind started to change. Partly because of this dramatic experience. Partly because of the Deus ex machina-effect. 

huliO opened the door, and hugged her child. She saw the sand on the floor. Her eyes widened.

"I am not cleaning that."

"Very well mumma." He said, not at all shocked, took the broom that looked like a pool table, and started sweeping.

"Have you decided to stay love? Please say that you have."

"No mumma. I did, at first. But killing seems to be too much fun." He said, smiling joyously.

"Sigh. Very well. Leave soon. Kill all the evil ones. Bring alot of riches, and maybe a pretty boy who can marry you." 

"I have someone here, already."

"Oh, how lovely."

And so it happened, that dibbiluU Uubinskoffind trekked to the lands of blood. he traveled on horses, mules, dragons, small rabbits and magic carpets. He found out that his world was not only not rectagular, but that it didn`t have a shape at all. He fought against 5000000 adversaries and killed all of them with a wicked smile on his face.  He laid hunreds of men, and sometimes women. He fought for ten years. Led armies for nine. Led 67000 of his own soldiers, and civilians, to their deaths, just because he wanted quick solutions. He burned dozens of villages because of various reasons. He beheaded the one who had warred against his people for 23 years. He took his throne. He took the throne of the ruler of his own people, by force. He warred against other nations. He made made his mother proud, especially because she got a city of her own, where she was worshipped. He had 10 million killed. Had his own, rebellious siblings killed. For 30 years his reign goed on, until the goddesses and gods who had unitentionally given him his powers, grew bored of the epic that they had enjoyed to watch for 53 years. When they grew bored of it, they sent dibbiluU the Terriffic to hell, where he was the lowliest of beings, suffering the most horrible punishments that anyone can imagine. He stayed there for 10000 times 1000000000 years (by our definition of time) before finally reincarnating as Batman.      


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